Farm Fresh Blog

 The Work Dog

The After-Work Dog    

After his shift Other Half likes to stop and pick up a bacon sandwich for breakfast.  The cook at the gas station always packs that sandwich tight with bacon.  Since we have eight (8!!!) dogs, Other Half cannot share his bacon sandwich with all eight of them.  Soooooo . . .  there is only one chosen Bacon Hound.

Bloodhound is old, and blind, and stinky, and her tumors have tumors, but her Super Sniffer still works great!  And it never fails to rouse her from a deep sleep each morning when it detects the odor of bacon wafting through the house.

 "Do I smell bacon?"

 "Why yes!  Yes!  I do smell bacon!  Bacon, please!!!"

 "Is there more bacon?"

   "Yes!  Yes, there is!  More bacon, please!"

(Note the gawdawful talons that she calls toenails. Those suckers need to be trimmed.  That'll be a trip to Disney World for everyone . . .)

 "No more bacon?  What else you got up there?"

  "That'll do."

 Yes, Bloodhound is old, blind, stinky, and on her last leg, but she definitely knows how to work it to her advantage.

My Mom used to tell me "Give the hardest job to the laziest person, and he'll find the easiest way to do it!"

That . . . is the God's Honest Truth!  I am lazy. That's why I like smart dogs.  I'm a lazy dog trainer. Instead of pouring time into training dogs that I have to beg for attention, I prefer dogs that Live To Learn. The down side to this is that high-drive dogs are hard to live with if they don't have jobs.  The upside is that you are only limited by your own imagination.  Since I am a lazy person, and Border Collie is a high-drive dog, I can sit around and ruminate on ways that she can make my life easier. 

For instance, when I let the sheep out or put them in, it's so nice to have someone close the gate behind them.  (I'd prefer that Someone not be me.) This job actually began last winter when a certain lazy person (Me!) didn't want to slop through the mud to close the gate and decided that it was much easier to send a loyal servant (Border Collie!) through the mud to close the gate.

  Sheep file through gate.

 (This is a muddy mess in winter.)

 "Lily, would you get the gate?"

 Border Collie salutes and races off.

 If a Lazy Person has a rope tied to the gate . . .  and a magnet on the pole, said Lazy Person does not have to walk through the mud to close the gate.

 If they have a willing farm hand . . .

 . . . who enjoys closing the gate!

Disclaimer: this is a great way to reduce work for the Lazy Person, BUT . . . if you are doing a quick photo shot to demonstrate how a dog closing a gate can reduce your work, and IF that dog really gets into slamming the gate over and over and over, you MIGHT just pull the gate off the hinges and actually make more work for your Other Half . . . (I'm just saying . . .)

Sidenote: It helps sooth things over if the same dog is learning how to open the refrigerator and get your Other Half a beer.  She has the refrigerator opening down pat, now we just have to put a can in a coozie and teach her to retrieve that can, then close the door to the fridge.  It's coming along nicely and Other Half is happy with her progress.   (Good thing, cuz I haven't told him about that gate yet.)

I'm genuinely perplexed.  I have these signs posted by my driveway:

Our yard is gated.  This one is on the driveway gate.

There is another fence around the house. This one is on the gate by the house.

This one is on the gate leading into the barn.

ALL of these signs can be seen from the driveway. So upon your initial approach into the yard, there should be NO doubt that we have dogs in this yard. And just in case you are a little slow . . . .

Other Half's patrol truck is parked not 6 feet from the main gate!  And guess what it reads!

Now I tell you all this not to scare you away from visiting us.  (Please do! After you help me fix fences, we can kick back and have a tall glass of sweet tea!)  Nay, I tell you this because of the unbelievable incident that happened this morning!

The dogs and I were in the barn.  Five (5!) dogs were with me.  Other Half was asleep in the bedroom with 2 dogs and current police dog was in her outside kennel run that is behind the bedroom.  Border Collie had just turned the sheep out and closed the gate when I heard the unmistakable sound of a human whistling for a dog.  "Huh???"

Surely I didn't hear what I just heard.  I listened.  Yep, there it was again.  Someone was calling my dogs.  Uh oh.  Then I heard it. The chain to the main gate was being opened.  Holy shit!  (Yes!  I said it out loud!)  Sure enough, there was a meter reader walking past three signs and a K9 police truck to read a meter that they ALWAYS read with binoculars.  (They began this after my pet goose, Bling, flew over the main gate and attacked a Meter Reader.)

Armed with a small stick that had a tennis ball on the end, he was walking through the main gate. What was he thinking???  Signs don't apply to our intrepid young meter reader. . .  I'm sure he's good with dogs. . . He probably has dogs of his own. . . Dogs like him . . . He feels he has a right to be on my property.  The sign on his truck makes it official. And the list goes on. 

Guess what!

  This dog doesn't read.

Don't show him your credentials. He doesn't care.  He will come. He will come fast . . . and he will bring 4 to 6 of his best friends.

What really bothers me is that despite ALL those signs, someone would still walk onto my property, and this poor dog (and probably the others) could get in trouble for DOING THEIR JOB!

Now I understand that this may not be intimidating to people:

But come ON, People!  THIS SHOULD!

So I saved him before the dogs ate him. Then I thanked God that I was home when he tried this stunt.

This shook me.  I haven't told Other Half yet. (He is still sleeping.) All I can do is post signs and say a little prayer that God will protect them and the fools that walk through those signs.

Dear Lord,

please protect my dogs, kind and gentle creatures that are only doing their jobs, from the arrogance and ignorance around them.

Every morning Border Collie starts the day bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I don't. I often suffer from LCL in the early morning (low caffeine level).  Because of this syndrome Border Collie must work extra hard to get me to rise with the sun and begin her day.  To accomplish this, she leaps on the bed and stuffs a dirty sock in my hand, or drags it repeatedly across my face.  Last night while I was cruising the internet I find another Border Collie who has a much better idea of how to wake her mommy up in the morning.  Perhaps my Border Collie needs to watch THIS video:      Breakfast In Bed

  "Com'on Mom! We're burnin' daylight!"

In the evening the sheep & goats are penned up near the barn. Their "Bodyguard" is on-duty all night long.  In the morning they are released out to the pasture with the horses and their Bodyguard is off-duty until the sun goes down and once again, we begin the cycle of the "Zombie Wars."

  "Good Morning Briar!"

Briar gives me a debriefing of the night before, providing detailed descriptions of each coyote, bobcat, raccoon, skunk, oppossum, and zombie that she has sent packing overnight.

 Ahh yes . . . dawn is here. The zombies have gone back to wherever zombies go when the sun comes up.

 The sheep & goats file out.  I count them.  Briar counts them.  We compare numbers.  She is almost off-duty. Everyone is happy.  Everyone except . . .

. . .  BarnCat!

 BarnCat is not happy to see Briar.  See that look of joy on her face?

 Briar, however, is delighted to see BarnCat!

 "Run, Cat! Run!"

 "Run Cat! Run so I can squish you!"

 BarnCat is soooo not amused. 

 This was not how she wanted to start her day.  But she finally sees an opening.  Briar zigs when she should have zagged. 

And . . . .

                                       They're off!

  Scattering sheep!

Briar is delighted!  BarnCat is pissed. (Pissed off Puss!)

BarnCat finally scoots up a tree.  From there she runs on top of the barn to groom herself and remove the dog spit while Briar hustles to the gate to commune with her doggy friends and enjoy a morning swim in the pond.  Nope, being off-duty doesn't suck!

Here in Texas we have a joke about students from Texas A&M University. They are nicknamed "Aggies."

The joke goes like this: "How do you drive an Aggie crazy?"

Answer:  "Put him in a round room and tell him to pee in the corner."

Aggies analyze the world quite closely. In this way, they are much like Border Collies.

Case in point:  "How do you drive a Border Collie crazy?"

Answer:  "Put her in a pond and tell her to bring you the goldfish."

  The Aggie salutes and begins her search!

  This is serious business!

 Ah ha!  Spotted one!

 Target acquired!

 "FIRE!"

 "Wait!  You were just kidding, right?"

Hats off to Aggies and Border Collies everywhere!!!

It's hot.  It's really, really, REALLY hot!  If you're gonna stay outside, you've gotta find a way to stay cool.  Briar has that covered. When the temperatures soar, she slips into her "Super Suit" and transmongerates into "SPLASH the Streak!"

She stands at the edge of the pond, contemplating her transfiguration.

 She slips into the Magic Depths . . .

And transmogrifies into . . .

 SPLASH the STREAK!!!!

(Cue Ray Stevens' "The Streak" soundtrack.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtzoUu7w-YM

 "Oh yes they call her The Streak!"     (Boogity Boogity!)

 "Fastest thing on four feet!"

                                                                        (Boogity Boogity!)

 "What?!!  Is that you, Ethel?"

"GIT YER CLOTHES ON!!!"

(For those of you too young to know who Ray Stevens is, I strongly urge you to google him and listen to his music. Your life will never be the same. Parents with young children or bored teenagers:  this will keep them entertained for weeks.)

Exactly one hour before I was supposed to leave the office last night . . . the phone rang.  It was a murder, a complicated, tear-jerker, stay-out-all-night-long murder.  I called Other Half and informed him. He was supposed to get off early so I was satisfied that even though I'd be out all night, the dogs would be fed soon. He called me back a few minutes later to inform me that he and Oli just got a call.  They were gonna be out all night too.  In fact, we ended up meeting on the highway at the end of the night.  It was almost sunrise when I finished chores and staggered in. 

All I wanted was a bath and a bed.  Unfortunately other members of the family had slept all day, and all night. I tossed breakfast at them, promised them some attention later, and crawled to under the covers. Bless her heart, Border Colle gave a heavy sigh, laid her head on my hip, and settled down, where she stayed until I dragged myself out this morning.

I woke up mid-morning and tripped my way to some caffeine. The dogs had emptied their toy box but they had let me sleep.  Frankly, I don't think Border Collie ever got off the bed. Now she was ready to play and all I wanted to do was check the sheep, eat a bowl of cereal, and go back to bed.  (a real Border Collie downer!)

The rest of the pack was disappointed too, but I have a perfect Puppy Pacifier for just this situation.  So I reached in the cabinet and grabbed the bag.

  "Ooohhhhhh YEEEAAAHHHHHH!"

Everyone filed up for their pig ear.  Everyone except Bloodhound - she was sleeping.  (Bloodhound is a bit senile and so we let her do her own thing.)  Everyone settled down to chew their Puppy Pacifiers.  Everyone . . .  except Border Collie.

   "Can we do something FUN now??!!"

Poor Border Collie!  She wants to play.  She wants to work.  She wants to take a walk.  She wants to do ANYTHING but hang out and chew a stupid pig ear!

The sounds of crunching pig ears finally woke Someone up.

Or maybe it wasn't the sound that woke her up.  She does possess a Super-Sniffer!

So Bloodhound shuffled up for her pig ear too.  Then everyone was happy . . . except Border Collie. She waited. And she waited.  And finally she settled down under the kitchen table with a heavy sigh while I ate a bowl of cereal.  I have promised her that as soon as I wake up properly, we would play fetch. 

In the mean time, she should watch this video and get some ideas of ways to entertain herself . . .

Amazing Dog Tricks by Paige the Border Collie!

Okay Class!  Get Ready! Pony Pilates!

And Back UP!!! And Shake!                                                                      

Exercise session for the day brought to you by Ruffy.

Downward Facing Pony

(Our morning yoga class brought to you courtesy of Napolean.)